A Lady: Armmmmmms.
(Am treating headache with coffee, as I have eaten all the ibuprofen in my office already.)
A Lady: But have you tried water?
D: Interesting idea.
Coffee is…made with water.
A Lady: .
Go drink a big glass of water.
You're a grown-ass woman
D: Teasing, dear. I've had a liter already today.
A Lady: Okay okay.
D: Yes, Mom.
A Lady: Harrumph etc
D: I have even eaten TWO BALANCED MEALS today Mom.
A Lady: Okay but did you do your homework?
D: YES I DID ALL THE GRANTS WERE SUBMITTED.
A Lady: (I was going to do some pushups but it seems I can barely lift my coffee mug.)
D: Now can I have a ride to the mall?
A Lady: Only if you promise not to waste your money at Claire's or Topkapi
D: Okay okay okay I just want this sweater from 5-7-9
A Lady: Are you sure you don't want to get something nicer at New York & Co.? They're having a sale!
Hang on, I have the flyer from the paper…
D: Moooooooooooom, that's an old lady store
A Lady: Their ribbed sweaters are very nice!
A Lady: Just don't put them in the dryer.
D: This is pitch-fucking-perfect.
A Lady: (Oh god, ribbed sweaters.)
D: (Oh god, 5-7-9 sparkly sweaters)
A Lady: Um, hi, we haven't even done Express yet.
D: Or Vanity.
A Lady: That one I don't know…
D: Oh maaaaaan, Vanity was such a low-rent version of Express.
A Lady: What about...
What was the name of that terrible store that sold Silver jeans?
Not that I could afford more than one pair of Silvers.
D: MY FRIEND'S PARENTS OWN THE BUCKLE.
It started in Nebraska.
A Lady: NO THEY DO NOT.
D: THEY TOTALLY DO.
A Lady: CAN THEY GET ME SOME SILVERS?
I can finally be cool.
D: I TOTALLY had Silvers in high school.
A Lady: In 10th grade.
D: Saved up the part-time job money from the snack stand, went to the Buckle, bought Silvers and Doc Martens.
A Lady: NO. Ugh.
D: YES. I DID.
A Lady: I wanted Docs so badly.
Like, even asked my mom to see if they were cheaper in London.
D: I had two pair.
A Lady: (They weren't.)
D: Brown leather
A Lady: I HAVE NEVER HAD ANY
D: And then I bought the MOST 90S DOCS OF ALL!
A Lady: I WAS NEVER COOL IN HIGH SCHOOL
D: Sixteen eyelets, silver and black, steel-toed.
A Lady: YES.
My guess was gonna be red MJs.
D: The BEST concert-going shoes, dude. STEEL TOES!
God why didn't I keep those? I spent ALL my high school job money on 1) shoes and 2) bottomless coffee at Perkins.
A Lady: I wasn't allowed to have a high school job, which was LAME.
D: Oh man. It was like "You're 14, you can work, go get employed."
A Lady: I begged, BEGGED.
But no, all I was allowed to do was teach. Violin or viola. And swimming in the summer.
D: High school jobs: swimming teacher, mall snack shop stand employee, and the restaurant carousel of host, waitress, cook.
The mall snack shop? Called MUNCHVILLE. Yes really.