yes, mom

A Lady: Armmmmmms.

D: Headaaaaaaaache.

(Am treating headache with coffee, as I have eaten all the ibuprofen in my office already.)

A Lady: But have you tried water?

D: Interesting idea.

Coffee is…made with water.

A Lady: .

D.

Go drink a big glass of water.

Now.

You're a grown-ass woman

D: Teasing, dear. I've had a liter already today.

A Lady: Okay okay.

D: Yes, Mom.

A Lady: Harrumph etc

D: I have even eaten TWO BALANCED MEALS today Mom.

A Lady: Okay but did you do your homework?

D: YES I DID ALL THE GRANTS WERE SUBMITTED.

A Lady: (I was going to do some pushups but it seems I can barely lift my coffee mug.)

YAY

D: Now can I have a ride to the mall?

A Lady: Only if you promise not to waste your money at Claire's or Topkapi

D: Okay okay okay I just want this sweater from 5-7-9

A Lady: Are you sure you don't want to get something nicer at New York & Co.? They're having a sale!

Hang on, I have the flyer from the paper…

D: Moooooooooooom, that's an old lady store

A Lady: Their ribbed sweaters are very nice!

D: Ahahahahahaha

A Lady: Just don't put them in the dryer.

D: This is pitch-fucking-perfect.

A Lady: (Oh god, ribbed sweaters.)

D: (Oh god, 5-7-9 sparkly sweaters)

A Lady: Um, hi, we haven't even done Express yet.

D: Or Vanity.

A Lady: That one I don't know…

D: Oh maaaaaan, Vanity was such a low-rent version of Express.

A Lady: What about...

Shit

What was the name of that terrible store that sold Silver jeans?

THE BUCKLE

Not that I could afford more than one pair of Silvers.

D: MY FRIEND'S PARENTS OWN THE BUCKLE.

TRUE STORY.

It started in Nebraska.

A Lady: NO THEY DO NOT.

D: THEY TOTALLY DO.

A Lady: CAN THEY GET ME SOME SILVERS?

I can finally be cool.

D: I TOTALLY had Silvers in high school.

A Lady: In 10th grade.

D: Saved up the part-time job money from the snack stand, went to the Buckle, bought Silvers and Doc Martens.

A Lady: NO. Ugh.

D: YES. I DID.

A Lady: I wanted Docs so badly.

Like, even asked my mom to see if they were cheaper in London.

D: I had two pair.

A Lady: (They weren't.)

D: Brown leather

A Lady: I HAVE NEVER HAD ANY

D: And then I bought the MOST 90S DOCS OF ALL!

A Lady: I WAS NEVER COOL IN HIGH SCHOOL

D: Sixteen eyelets, silver and black, steel-toed.

A Lady: YES.

My guess was gonna be red MJs.

D: The BEST concert-going shoes, dude. STEEL TOES!

God why didn't I keep those?  I  spent ALL my high school job money on 1) shoes and 2) bottomless coffee at Perkins.

A Lady: I wasn't allowed to have a high school job, which was LAME.

D: Oh man. It was like "You're 14, you can work, go get employed."

A Lady: I begged, BEGGED.

But no, all I was allowed to do was teach.  Violin or viola.  And swimming in the summer.

D: High school jobs: swimming teacher, mall snack shop stand employee, and the restaurant carousel of host, waitress, cook.

The mall snack shop? Called MUNCHVILLE. Yes really.