A Lady: Are we both dating because we feel required to do so?
D: Hmmm, possibly? Though I catch myself cruising HARD lately. I'm giving myself whiplash with all the head turning. I think I am mostly dating because I want to get laid.
A Lady: Yeah.
D: Also: makeouts.
A Lady: Oh, mutual attraction. How elusive you are.
D: Hell. Seriously, hell.
So, yes, my date this week: I need a comfy-hot-bikeable-sweat-mitigating outfit.
A Lady: Cutoffs with a loose top might be ideal.
D: Hmmmmmm, cutoffs could do. I need to acquire jeans to cut off. Promising.
A Lady: Legs, but roomy.
D: Yup. Legs, always good.
A Lady: And probably less sweaty than a dress.
D: I like this. To the thrift store tonight!
(Later that day)
D: Pah. The Jewish thrift shop is closed, and I am too tired to walk to the Mexican thrift shop. I settled for $10 jeans at the Russian thrift shop.
A Lady: Ha. I love that your thrift shops have ethnicities.
D: They totally do. Hmmmm. There’s a fine line between Too Short and Awesomely Short shorts. I’m not sure that I care about that line, however.
A Lady: Daisy Dukes: which frankly, I feel are okay.
D: Agreed. I've got to work as much leg as I can, however I can.
A Lady: So. You excited for your date?
D: Actually, yes. We'll see. A text warning will be in effect from 7:30-10 pm Central, with a chance of moderate to severe self-doubt.
A Lady: Due precautions will be taken.
D: The National Date Warning Service suggests that those affected by this alert have a plan for shelter and gin.
A Lady: In case of emergency, seek shelter in front of a computer.
(the next evening)
D: OMG. The date was so bad. So, so bad.
#1: wore her retainer ON A DATE.
#2: lives with her parents.
#3: oh fuck number three, it’s time for wine and takeout.
…Well, at least I have cutoffs now. So that's something.