A Lady: Fuck. Off.
D: OH MY GOD THOSE LOOK LIKE THEY ARE IN YOUR HOME OH MY GOD OH MY GOD HOW DID THIS HAPPEN
A Lady: Barneys. Warehouse. Sale. 70% off the discounted price.
OH MY SWEET JESUS. If I were standing up, I’d have fallen over.
I am just going to make incoherent allcaps noises over here.
Well, I bought $30 worth of Korres lip gloss today so.... WAIT THAT'S NOT THE SAME LEVEL OF GREATNESS AT ALL.
A Lady: Ahahaha. Fuckoff heels! I has them!
D: Ahem, shouldn't I be the one sighing with envy here?
A Lady: Oh, right.
D: So, as per request: the etymology of "fuckoff heels." It is pretty clearly Belgian Waffle, in my brain, but I think it's one of those concepts that most women will immediately understand.
A Lady: See, I've been using it for tech things for years. Such as: "fuckoff stereo."
D: Aha, yes.
A Lady: "A huge fuckoff tv.”
D: "That was one spectacular fuckoff sandwich."
A Lady: Ehhhhhhhh. I object!
D: Cmon. You know that I, of all people, will say "fuckoff sandwich" in the most highly approving manner.
A Lady: There has to be intent to intimidate/proclaim awesomeness.
D: Well, maybe the fuckoff sandwich is HUGE and also you are REALLY hungry.
A Lady: But is it putting other people in awe? I feel like that's the necessary bit. And I have never been in awe of a sandwich. (Have I told you about the pancake-eating competition?)
D: (Ooh no do tell.)
A Lady: (Everyone at brunch, dudes included, ordered the triple stack of plate-sized pancakes.)
D: (Ow Jesus my stomach hurts at the thought.)
A Lady: (The dudes were idiots and got chocolate chips. My friend and I got fruit ones. So it was a race. And I won, hands down. Ate the whole plate in, um, 90 seconds.)
D: (GODDAMN. I am impressed. And a little horrified, so basically DOUBLY impressed.)
A Lady: So you see why the idea of fuckoff food is like, eh.
D: Well, you're you. Meanwhile, I have been in serious awe of food on many occasions. Now I am on a quest for a fuckoff sandwich for illustratory purposes.
A Lady: Ahem, D, back to fuckoff heels. They usually involve some kind of a platform, yes?
D: Note: I think the fuckoff heel is for other ladies.
A Lady: Really? Oh, I wear them for both: dudes, ladies, you can all fuck off.
D: Well, how many straight dudes do you know that would look at the shoe and appreciate it as anything other than "pretty!"?
I mean, everyone can fuck off, but ladies Get It.
A Lady: Naw, I mean, they're sexy shoes, but they make you tall and you can stomp in them.
D: Ah, right-o. So fuckoff heels are 1) tall, and 2) stompy.
I don't feel that a plain black leather pump, no matter how tall it makes me, is really a fuckoff heel, though. Like, if it's pretty much unquestionably work-appropriate, it's not fuckoff.
A Lady: Also, the black pump can tip into fuckme shoes pretty easily.
I wonder if the difference resides in the platform. I feel like if it's sold at Anthropologie, it's not gonna be fuckoff, knaamean?
A Lady: They have to be stompy.
D: Do they have to be? Or is that just a common thing? Because sometimes there's a difference between a stomp and strut shoe, but I think I have strut shoes that are fuckoff.
A Lady: Hmm. Ok, my verb of choice might be stalk. Catwalk-style.
D: Oooooooh, yes.
Can wedges be fuckoff?
I'd think a fuckoff wedge would have to be 5", or it would just go clunky.
A Lady: There has to be some kind of angle or a tapering.
D: …something that looks just slightly precarious, which makes it all the more fuckoff that one is stalking in them.
A Lady: Exactly.
D: Under no circumstances can one of those pencil-thin stilettos be a fuckoff heel. You cannot stalk in those heels. You can slink, maybe, but not stalk.
A Lady: Yeah, those are totally fuckme territory.
D: Yup. A fuckme heel is meant for minimal walking, yet is also seen in the wild at ill-advised dance clubs. Poor choice, ladies!
A Lady: That's why they can't dance!
D: Also most of the population at those clubs is not known for good decision-making.