we're bad at dating

A Lady: AHEM
I HAVE A DATE TONIGHT

D: WITH THE UNICORN, DON'T YOU.

A Lady: YES
YES I DO
Oh God. Will this be weird? Am I expected to be the dude?

D: This will not be weird. this will be TOTALLY CUTE.
What's the date plan, hmm?

A Lady: Drinks (typed drunks) at a bar around the corner, 8.30

D: Drunks works too.
(This weekend I was mid-whiskey flight when C.A. texted saying "what are you up to." Left in the typo after brief consideration; sent him a message saying "drankin' whiskey flights w houseguests")

A Lady: What to wear tonight...will it be weird if I've changed clothes from this morning?

D: No! She is totally gonna change clothes, too.
It's a Date, after all. An evening date.

A Lady: I'm thinking the Comme dress, with flat sandals

D: Ooh which Comme dress?

A Lady: The new one!
Black, strapless, long, casual.

D: Oooooooooooooooh. I vote yes.
Accessories?

A Lady: Earrings, bracelet, hair twisted to the side.
Minimal, in other words.

D: Swaaaaaaaaaaaank.

A Lady: But not too swank because it's West Philly, aka Park Slope.
Like, equal parts crunchy and Bugaboo

D: Heh. Vegans.

A Lady: Yup. Don't wanna overdo it, you know?

D: So hot-but-casual.

A Lady: Yeah

D: Hence the flat sandals

A Lady: Exactly.
Also, she's as tall/barely taller than I am.
And in very good shape.

D: Um, swoon.

A Lady: She's probably a pagan widow, though.
Or 20.

D: Ahahahaha

A Lady: Or lives with 10 freegans.

D: Or kicks puppies in her spare time.

A Lady: Exactly.

D: Or doesn't drink.

A Lady: Naw, meeting at a bar, remember?

D: ...where she will order a Diet Coke and say "oh by the way am alcoholic"

D: No, wait, diet SPRITE. Because she'll be allergic to caffeine.

A Lady: And wheat.

D: So really, if none of the above occur tonight: successful date.

A Lady: Standards at 50% and falling
Expect shitstorms late this evening
Possible hail of texts

D: A severe texting alert will be in place tonight. May be downgraded to a chance of hilarity with scattered horrors.