really bad at this

In news that will surprise no one, this did not end well for me. Well, scratch that: the night ended well (videochat and drinks with A Lady, which was lovely), but the date itself mentioned below was high-school-dance levels of awkward.


A Lady: Are we both dating because we feel required to do so?

D: Hmmm, possibly? Though I catch myself cruising HARD lately. I'm giving myself whiplash with all the head turning. I think I am mostly dating because I want to get laid.

A Lady: Yeah.

D: Also: makeouts.

A Lady: Oh, mutual attraction. How elusive you are.

D: Hell. Seriously, hell.

So, yes, my date this week: I need a comfy-hot-bikeable-sweat-mitigating outfit.

A Lady: Cutoffs with a loose top might be ideal.

D: Hmmmmmm, cutoffs could do. I need to acquire jeans to cut off. Promising.

A Lady: Legs, but roomy.

D: Yup. Legs, always good.

A Lady: And probably less sweaty than a dress.

D: I like this. To the thrift store tonight!

(Later that day)

D: Pah. The Jewish thrift shop is closed, and I am too tired to walk to the Mexican thrift shop. I settled for $10 jeans at the Russian thrift shop.

A Lady: Ha. I love that your thrift shops have ethnicities.

D: They totally do. Hmmmm. There’s a fine line between Too Short and Awesomely Short shorts. I’m not sure that I care about that line, however.

A Lady: Daisy Dukes: which frankly, I feel are okay.

D: Agreed. I've got to work as much leg as I can, however I can.

A Lady: So. You excited for your date?

D: Actually, yes. We'll see. A text warning will be in effect from 7:30-10 pm Central, with a chance of moderate to severe self-doubt.

A Lady: Due precautions will be taken.

D: The National Date Warning Service suggests that those affected by this alert have a plan for shelter and gin.

A Lady: In case of emergency, seek shelter in front of a computer.

(the next evening)

D: OMG. The date was so bad. So, so bad.

#1: wore her retainer ON A DATE.

#2: lives with her parents.

#3: oh fuck number three, it’s time for wine and takeout.

…Well, at least I have cutoffs now. So that's something.