how to break up

More in the "advice you did not ask us for" column!

Now, it's highly likely that if one successfully dates us, there may be the eventual part where one must also end the relationship. (If not, after all, we'd have been partnered off at age sixteen or so, and that's a horrifying thought.) (You never know, though! --A Lady)

From D:
I'm lucky enough to have no true horror stories of breakups gone awry, so my contribution is largely a "how do to this right" series of suggestions.

I will admit that I did pull one of the worst breakup moves of all time, though. I broke up with someone via email. I know. I'm ashamed. Long list of excuses, (international long-distance, lacking a phone, the both of us passive-aggressively not signing into Skype, etc.), but: don't do that, kids. You look like an asshole, and for good reason. Breakups should be in person, or at the very very least, via phone in case of extreme long-distance situations.

Things that make a good breakup: be an adult. Don't throw tantrums. Realize that a bit of distance goes a long way towards being civil. Occasional check-ins via email can be nice, but only if they're reciprocated. Otherwise, that's just creepy and desperate.
Mutual friends remain mutual friends. And if you can't say something nice about the ex to the mutual friends, say nothing. Bitching and kvetching should be limited to the inner circle of confidantes, lest you come off as unstable.
And for the love of god, if you don't de-friend on Facebook (which you might want to do, depending on the situation), at the very least hide the other person's status updates and posts and such from your feed. It's for your own good. Under no circumstances should your first post-breakup communication come via Facebook: email or text message is acceptable, writing on the ex's Facebook wall is just icky.

Oh, and note that any of the above bits of advice are absolutely rendered moot if the breakup was instigated by some egregious offense such as being cheated upon or otherwise lied to. In those situations, you have my blessing to lash out as much as you desire. Go ahead, burn the former paramour's favorite shirt and donate all their books to Goodwill and commence with the trash-talking. No one will blame you.

And now, my turn. "Me" being A Lady. I will contribute the "how not to break up with us" part of this, because wow, do I know how to pick 'em. Do not:

Wait wait. Edit. Sorry. Have had the obvious pointed out to me. There's just one good rule for how not to break up with me: do not be a creepy stalker, because it keeps me from being amusing on the Internet. Which I live for.